I met the friendliest cop last night
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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