Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
