I have demons in me.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
