and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
