he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
