Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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