I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
