Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
