I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
