How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
