Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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