There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
