you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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