I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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