so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
When are your genitals available?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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