I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
