I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
