You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
