so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
