This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
