Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just forgot I was standing up.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
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