I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
it's like iHOP with fire
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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