What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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