During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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