Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
