Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
