Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
