Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Less talking, more tequila
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
