a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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