Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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