you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
