Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
