cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
