I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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