He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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