I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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