I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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