i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Randomize