I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
