Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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