just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
