I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I think I won the penis lottery.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Randomize
