The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
