The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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