Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
one might say we're banned from that church
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
