she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just threw up on my dentist
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
How does one acquire holy water?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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