Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
