dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You're a waste of cheezeits
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
