YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
