I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
