remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
God I need to hump something, right now.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
