Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize