Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
