I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
