Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
