I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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