my phone needs a breathalizer
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Randomize
