You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
