drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
