If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Randomize
