I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
