You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
