I think my fart just growled at me.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
