Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
