Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize